Bureau 13 were the least-stealthy secret agents in videogame history

Bureau 13 were the least-stealthy secret agents in videogame history

From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column on how to roll the dice to bring random obscure games back to light. Today… if something strange happens in your area, who are you sure you won’t call? These morons!

When the aliens attack, we now know that the Bureau is investigating until someone finally invents XCOM. But what if the threat comes from somewhere outside – from myths and magic, horrors and rumors? In that case… well, frankly, it’s best to call BPRD. But if Hellboy gets busy that day, the world can at least turn to Bureau 13. An organization whose idea for cleaning up after a rogue agent has brought them too much attention involves. Taking out a cloaked vampire and angry women in shorts. And stomping big mechanical suit to save the day. furtively!

In fact, this is not so much a secret agency, but one that everyone just wants to forget about the existence of.

Bureau 13 is a really stupid game with some clever ideas. A game that doesn’t really work but should have. It follows games like Maniac Mansion by offering a whole team of agents. To choose from and giving you a choice of two: a hacker, a priest. The aforementioned vampire and panty mechanic lady, a witch, and a thief. Everyone has unique skills to use on a mission. But unfortunately, there is very little common sense.

This is a game where your first destination obviously has to be the police station to find information. Being an official organization, and everything else where the aforementioned vampire. Hacker, witch, and so on are immediately blocked by the clerk behind the counter wanting. To see some kind of ID personality. “We don’t have badges. We are a top-secret organization,” they tell him, a little not understanding the essence of the words. And as such are dismissed as a bunch of random psychos. Yes, including the lady stomping on Dr. Robotnik’s things.

Do you know what else they don’t have? Resources.

The first puzzle in the game… well, a “puzzle” to be exact… involves pulling a newspaper out of a car. You can smash it if you have the Underpants Mech Lady, or steal it if you have the Thief, or get a quarter from the coin slot if you have one of the others, but that choice doesn’t seem to explain how Bureau 13 was so in need of the money that his agents you have to cross your path in buying a newspaper. This is really happening.

And walk past the guy at the table? It’s amazing. You don’t provide ID, you don’t persuade him to do so. Instead, you openly grab some superglue from his desk, seal the fire extinguisher box right in front of him, and then casually toss his ashtray into his own trash can. I know this is getting a theme here and I promise I’ll stop, but that includes if you do it with a lady in a mechanical suit. You can’t be invisible in a mechanical suit. But no. He’s completely oblivious, and despite being about ten feet from the door, the fire is limited to a trash can, and there are two civilians in the room, he tries the case and then immediately ties it to the night.

Why do I suspect he has a bright future in Bureau 13?

Maybe even at 13 RV’s official bureau, where “Mystery Car” is crossed out on the grounds that the only mystery is how the vampire got his driver’s license. Unless the photo is hand-drawn. Breaking into the evidence locker proves that the Vampire is no better. “I’m not allowed to be photographed, but I’m very good at videotaping,” he warns. What to expect? At least it has some use, as it can see well enough in the dark to do something when you turn off the power to deactivate the security camera, which is only there to annoy. However, Bureau 13 breaks even that most basic concept by also dimming the interface to make it hard for the cursor to even see the cursor.

The investigation of a water-twisted plot leads the heroes to a nearby AI corporation,

Where the guard has to be dealt with not by violence or the power of the vampire fog… they are so important that they need to be saved for breaking into a hardware store to steal a few wire cutters… but by digging a trash can and saying, “I’m here to deliver this.” It works. It really works. Although before that, the characters openly say: “The guards always make it difficult to break and enter.” Also… and I’m not sure I mentioned it… but what the hell is a courier wearing power armor? Okay, point taken. But it’s still stupid. Although, at least for now, it couldn’t get much dumber.

By the way, this is a good moment to have a maniacal laugh.

After a puzzle that involves literally taking the battery out of the smoke detector to power the remote, despite being next to a hardware store that you can sneak into, this is due to the fact that it loosely calls itself a plot. How careless is that? In the same room, you will find a safe behind a painting. And what description do you get if you look at the safe in more detail?

“Unlike most movie safes, this one isn’t hidden behind a painting.” In addition, it is unlocked by cassettes in the VCR. Of course, it is.

I could go on and on about this nonsense, but the problem is that it can make Bureau 13 sound awfully bad.

Well, that’s bad. It’s really bad. Enjoying the spectacle, however, means dealing with one of the most clunky interfaces the world has ever seen, and one of the bleakest worlds – a sparsely populated town where people show up only to get in your way. True, usually not for long. Go to the gym, for example, and the attendant will tell the male characters not to enter the women’s locker room – fair enough – and then leave so there’s no one to stop a suspicious, you know, an obvious vampire from going inside. this is perhaps not as strange as the aforementioned vampire being kicked in his non-shiny ass by the lady inside.

What really hurts about all of this is how smart the underlying idea was and how promising it was – a promise with all the dedication of Casanova writing a limerick ending “So how about fucking?” It’s almost a drunken game of how often Bureau 13 idiots blow their cover.

This drink should probably be dishwashing liquid.

But something… something doesn’t work. Not least other attempts by publisher Take-Two to crack adventures, with the really nasty Hell: A Cyberpunk Thriller, starring Christopher Walken in Ripper and Black Dahlia, which, if I remember correctly, was the first game to come out on 400 CDs. I may be wrong about this. But not too much. Lots of discs, that’s what I’m talking about.

As for Bureau 13? It’s too sad to go on, but take my word for it, it’s only going to get worse. If you don’t take my word for it, I’ll pass this fine on to you. let’s Play who covers him with contempt. Finally, I managed to dig up this exclusive and definitely real section of the Bureau 13 Handbook, which explains exactly how to solve common problems using the strength of a team and a sense of commitment to professional espionage.

How to catch a criminal: Find the fugitive’s house by walking around until you find him. Together with the vampire, switch to the fog, but not too close to the air conditioner. again you are morons and ensure the presence of the target. Then explore the city to find a sheet of newspaper, a pencil, and a nice ocelot that won’t be used for anything, and combine them except for the ocelot to poke the key through the door. Belatedly, check if there is a key in the door, and when it is not, blow up the entire neighborhood from orbit. If anyone asks, you weren’t there. And they weren’t.

How to cook dinner: Send the first hacker you see to the supermarket with an exhaustive list. When he realizes that he has no money, have your Witch cast a confusion spell on the nearest available driver, causing him to crash into his legs. When he wakes up in the hospital, the hospital will feed him. Don’t try this with your lady mechanic in her underpants as damage to the car is not covered by our insurance. In fact, the rejection stamp on our insurance application was not covered by our insurance. If you find 30p or so on the ground, hold on to it. We need it. Thanks.

How to eat glass: Actively try not to eat glass. We can spare five minutes.

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