It’s good and righteous when Pokémon kick my ass

If I molest a wild animal, the most reasonable people will think that it has the right to try to beat the shit out of me. The more dangerous this animal, the more I deserve it.

But where the villagers might be horrified, I am delighted. My mind is from the future, and my body is ready. I’ve been preparing for this almost all my life. A quarter of a century of Pokedex entries have taught me that Pokémon are capable of genuinely astounding feats, nearly all of which would be startlingly fatal to a human. IN Arceus, finally, they can use these powers against me, and I fully welcome it.

To scare Geodude means to dodge a sudden shower of thrown boulders. Jumping too close to Luxio’s pride gives me a solid chance of being paralyzed before being torn apart by electric lions. Even naturally docile Pokémon species are not without risk. If I meet a bid up, one of Alpha’s territorial options, he won’t hesitate to use these vast chisels against me.

Can a Pokémon kill me? If I hit hard enough, I’ll be dragged unconscious back to a safe campsite. But I support their efforts. They protect their autonomy. They even out the imbalance of power that has existed for decades. They have the opportunity to answer my quarter-century light torment. When Hyperbeam Alpha Snorlax escorts me to the grave, I won’t regret anything.

Maybe Pokemon’s newfound willingness to attack as soon as they see it isn’t a moral victory for everyone else, as it is for me, but it certainly resonates with many people. And they share clips of these horrifying encounters:

Meanwhile, fan artists and meme creators took the opportunity to express sympathy through craftsmanship:

And the bloodlust of Pokemon even proved that nothing unites people like a common enemy – an enemy such as our new universal nemesis, Paras:

We can all agree that paras are the biggest threat to all Pokémon.

— TAHK0 ☕️ (@TAHK0) February 5, 2022

Pokemon games have played with different mechanics over the years, so who knows how long the wild Pokemon will be able to enjoy their long-delayed revenge. But I’m glad we saw this inclusion, no matter how long it lasted. This adds credibility to Pokémon – they are active forces in their world, not just passive collectibles.

Pokémon is children’s media. Fighting any lethality, let alone the lethal danger posed by your 900+ species of hazardous wild animals, is difficult. So, thank you sincerely for allowing Pokémon to kick my ass to whoever is responsible.

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